Post-Chemo, I Don’t Know What Number

This is hard. There is nothing about our lives that is easy right now. We’re faced with it everyday and have to cope with what life hands us  for that day on top of the cancer. I’m tired. I’m making mistakes that a normal me wouldn’t dream of making. My mind is tired like I’ve never experienced before. There is no way that I can explain to anyone the crazy emotions I feel from minute to minute. Mostly, lately, I’ve wanted to escape – just run away – for like a day. Some runaway I would make. I just need like 24 hours of like straight sleep – cryo comes to mind.  Trent is sick. I hate it. It’s horrible. Gavin says he needs a doctor for everything now. He knows. He says he’s sad sometimes. His dad makes him cry because he’s not the same and doesn’t have the patience he once did.  But then there a great moments and Trent is nearly all the way himself, especially during the chemo break. That was fun and I want more of that time. I let slip to Lily the other day that I no longer have a life and can’t do anything fun anymore when she asked if we could go to the movies. How horrible?! I didn’t mean it, and it was a terrible thing to say to my kid. I need to apologize for that and I need to take her to the damn movie. And I will, but to some degree little things like getting one-on-one time with a kid is impossible. I’m currently writing this blog from a hospital room with Gavin.  He got a hold of one of mom’s blood pressure pills and poison control said to the hospital with him. So, we’re here, he’s fine, having alone time.  So, that it. There is probably a lot more I can say, and probably should say but I care about people’s feelings so I’ll bottle it up to save them. That’s a caregiver for you.

Trent is not feeling well.  This chemo round is bad. He’ll feel better in the next couple of days most likely.  My advice to you is this – regardless of how you feel about his cancer and his healing – have no regrets.

Posted by Adrienne Gibson
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