I fell into a dangerous habit. You know the one…it’s the one where we continually accept less for ourselves than we truly deserve. I think I’d simply grown tired. Of waiting. Grown tired of doing what I should be doing and waiting. Waiting to get the feedback from work, from relationships, from God that I felt should have been getting, but wasn’t. Shoulds are funny, aren’t they?
A very good friend gave me a gift and with that gift I bought this bed. When moved back to Austin from Phoenix I left/sold nearly everything – truly wanting to start over. One of the things I left was my king size bed – it was a good bed, held all of my babies real good – but it was also the bed frame that Trent and I shared. So, once I got here I slept on a fold out couch for sometime and then I bought a really simple full size bed and mattress from IKEA.
The bed was too small for just me alone and the sleep was not stellar. The boys crawl into bed with me from time to time (see 5 nights a week) – so, again, sleep was not stellar. As I slowly began to put all my pieces back together after returning to Austin – buying a pretty nice car in December, putting more of myself and effort into building our business here, making better and better choices in regards to who has access to me, going public with my gifts and sharing them, dating for real. And I bought this bed – my dream bed really. A king size four-poster gold beaute fit for a queen…and then it sat in the box in the hall outside of my room for 4 months – taking up space, my family tripping on it nearly everyday. I was waiting for a move and a love…and in turn punishing myself – slowly allowing self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness to creep in as my boundaries also became more permeable. Danger zone – I was emotionally trippin’, mom was real-life trippin.
I heard my mom trip on this bed for the last time last Saturday night – and even though I was recovering from the energy drain that was the past 3 weeks I spent the following Sunday continuing to clean my heart + actual space, putting this pretty lady together in my room. I realized the move and the love will come, but there is no waiting for comfort or to feel good or to be lost in love with myself or my femininity if/when it’s possible – giving effort to attaining all of the above. There is no shame in this. We Are Worthy of both – I am worthy of both – right now. And I’m sleeping so good.