Oh, Hello

Well. Hello, Loves. It’s been a minute. Honestly, I’ve sat in this very position, upright in my bed, getting ready to write numerous times.  I’ve had so much to say, but zero focus and zero time. Ehhh, that might be a lie.  I think maybe the opposite is true.  I’ve had nothing to say. I’ve been a little busy recreating my life. Our lives.

We’re quickly closing in on six months without Trent.  *insert extremely pregnant pause here* What is there to say. I have admittedly turned completely away from all things cancer.  Cancer and I need to take a serious break – like maybe a permanent one. I am totally allergic to cancer. I really haven’t even thought about the piece of shit, Alright, well, I mean I have spent some time thinking about how cancer has robbed so many that I love of life. The friends that continue to reach out to me after the passing of their own loves, but I can’t say that this is story about cancer anymore.  I don’t think it ever really was. I think it might have always been a story about survival.

Much like my life this blog is in transition. I want to write, I want to share the story with you, but I’m still not sure if I’ve found the words in this format. My brain doesn’t work the same, and that, believe it or not, is a good thing. The way that I process everything has changed. I move differently. I see differently. Something about that level of pain truly breaks you wide open.  So much so that you only have two real choices stay broken, or don’t. And I chose to put myself back together…slowly knitting together a completely different creature.

I will tell you this much, we have endured the gauntlet of days. You know…days. St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day/Gavin’s Birthday – simulfreakingtaneously, 4th of July followed up three days later by Coley’s birthday, the anniversary of Trent’s accident, Trent’s birthday yesterday and today – the day we got Trent’s official diagnosis. Do you remember the show American Gladiators? Do you remember how at the end the competitors had to run through an obstacle course full of Whack-A-Mole behemoths hurling tennis balls at their heads? Rolling, blocking, hurdling, diving, sliding? Crawling to the finish line – utterly spent, everyday. Yeah. Just like that, but with babies on my back. But – you knew it was coming – enter Buti. The practice itself is amazing. I love the movement. The creativity. The challenge. The music. The community. The strength. The connection – to my own body, seeing it for the first time. The true change. From the inside out. I feel like my body is closer and closer everyday to the way God intended it. Lean, strong af. For the first time I feel like my outsides match my insides. For the first time, at 37. I’ll take it. But it’s not enough for me just to take it. Now, to use it. To use this thing that is continuing to happen to me to help others. To help you. That’s my purpose. We currently seem to be in the production phase. I have no idea where any of this is going, this Buti, this Break, but I love it and I will NOT EVER apologize for it. Definitely miss me with any of that nonsense.

Speaking of nonsense…these kids. Are awesome. And deeeeeeep. I mean, conversations with Sabrinna and Lily are profound, Gavin will blow your ever-loving mind, but if you want to experience straight out-of-bodiness have a chat with Coley – The Bear – and his little perfect teeth and sweet-ass elf face.He ain’t three, y’all. Maybe 83, but most definitely not three.  We are a unit. Squad goals for sure. And I got all my babies back. No, they are not perfect and most days are an absolute grind. They are real, small, people.  They feel pain, love, heartache, peace, sadness. They have an honesty about them that is beautifully brutal – but when they feel joy, real joy I am slain. And renewed. I truly don’t understand how anyone could discount their value. They are my gift, and I am so thankful for every hair on their wooly heads. “GavinBeau! Boy, you need a HAIR CUT!”

I do believe that’s about all I got for now. I’m now a certified Buti Yoga instructor teaching a few times a week (that’s about to increase about three-times over, and I am not mad at it). I had little set back with RYT 200 (registered yoga teacher training) due to Coley’s surgery to correct his burn scar (yikes, but he’s fine now) – I will be a registered yoga teacher, complete with all things muscle and Sanskrit, at the end of October. I know things with Break Method School of Sustainable Self Mastery (super-official right there) are about to jump tf off – and that right there is where my true passion lies. Let’s get to the bottom of you, so that you can heal yourself. And stay healed – if you choose. Wellll (hear – churchlady voice). Oh, and volleyball. I picked that business back up…and I love it again. I’ll never find myself in a traditional coaching position, but I’ll work your kid the same way I work myself, no doubt. I absolutely adore the two loves that came to me over the summer. Both of who are thriving now – a little PMA never hurt anyone and it’s amazing what a little positive self-talk can do for the ole mind-body connection. Someone asked me this weekend if I was really good – like really?  I used to laugh that question off and be shy about my ability. Not anymore, friends. “Yeah, I’m legit, and I work hard.” If I don’t rep me who else will?

So, I’m trying to find my rhythm, my voice. I will absolutely write about all things Buti Yoga, Break Method, ButiSisters,  Grain-Free/Dairy-Freeish, single-life (ick), widow-mommy-world, the status of the female (straight Goddess-becoming), the status of the male (dudes, seriously?) and what’s up with all of the half naked pics? soon, but for now this is just a check in. A warm-up. I’ve been getting messages from everywhere saying that I needed to continue to document our life path – so as uncomfortable as that is for me right now I will. I’ve learned a little bit about faith, and I know enough to follow the pull. So, hello there, lovelies. It’s very very good to see you again – here I am, doing it, waving from way out on these rocks.lover:fighter GavinBeau

All my love.



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